Could I just have someone to be there for me? Someone who would cradle my head on his shoulder after a rough day at school, someone who would just let me cry if I wanted to cry, no questions asked, and would be there wholeheartedly and unconditionally to support me? Someone who wouldn’t mind sitting through three seasons of Sex and the City while eating apple chips and peanut butter, solely because it makes me feel better? Someone I could be my truest self with so that I wouldn’t have to put up these ridiculous “super woman” fronts day in and day out? Just someone to share everyday life with, a loyal companion that I can depend on, sans four legs and body fur? Someone I can, dare I even say it, trust?
Is that really too much to ask?
Apparently.
Days like today, where you can barely keep your head above water, make me painfully aware of that fact. Nobody sees you struggling, it seems, no matter how obvious it is, no matter how clearly distress is pasted across your face… Outsiders are simply blind to the wrinkles that emerge on your forehead, or the reflective sheen that suddenly washes over your eyes. And whether or not this dismissal is intentional or not, I’m not so sure; however, one thing I do know is that there is no single act more degrading, more belittling, and the worst part of it is that nobody even realizes that they’ve done so. Sooner or later, you walk away from the situation feeling alone, overwhelmed, and feeling like you’ve got nobody to turn to that you can lean on, much less trust. Even numbness seems like a distant oasis, teasing you with its blissful, lulling sedative.
I feel like this wouldn’t happen, or at least happen to the extent that it does, if I just had somebody. Boyfriend, best-friend, girl, guy, the format it comes in couldn’t matter less. As long as they can offer loyal and compassionate companionship and are willing to do so for the long run, I don’t care if you have one eye or a triple-tit. Honestly. Life is a long journey, and I’m desperately searching for someone to ride shotgun. Simple as that.
I’m so familiar with this yearning that we’ve basically been on first name basis since practically fourth grade. It’s just one of the things I can’t seem to bypass, no matter how hard I try; I just can’t find a way around it, and I really can’t figure out why.
I mean, why is the world so lonely? It seems like a paradox when you think about it, the loneliest generation also has the most friends, so why can’t we find someone who will stick with us in the long run? Why must we?
Loneliness, the most universal sensation on the planet, remains a truth about life that I’ve tried repeatedly to wrap my head around to no avail, and it leaves me feeling strangely suspended. And fed up.
Someone, anyone, please. Be wholly and unconditionally mine.
Is that really too much to ask?
Gratia Sub Igne 